today's the day after

though i don't think about it as much

it is all i think about when there's a quiet moment

it's been amazing

to see all the support i'm getting

but i'm afraid i'll just disappoint everyone

i'm starting to think

"maybe i didnt do so bad"

but then again,

maybe i'm just choosing not to rmb the bad parts

i guess it's better to expect the worst

that way, it can't be any worse

it's weird

i don't have ANYTHING to do

yet, i dun feel like i can enjoy myself

i dun feel like i deserve it

i have been putting my life on hold for the past 2 months

and this nightmare doesnt seem like it's going to end

3 days to go

will my life fall apart?

or will it be smooth sailing?

i seriously don't know

who among them

will be by my side

when i need one to be?

who among them

will provide

when i need provisions?

who among them

is more than just talk?

who among them

is a true friend?

here i was, sitting in my room, all alone...realising that there's really no one that i wanna talk to though i want so much to talk to someone...if that makes any sense...there's no one that i can pour my heart and soul out to, without feeling judged...without feeling like it's pointless...not really no one...but pretty much anyway...so here i am again...back at my very first blog...back at my very first outlet...

then, i had so much thoughts...so much emotions to let out...but no one to let it out to...gradually, there were less thoughts...less time...also, there was someone i can just say anything to...i shud say there IS...

i know it's not such a big deal to fail...especially when i get a second chance...but i dunno...i guess it's just the disappontment...the feeling of being "not good enuff"...especially when i'm the only one...especially to be told again and again that i'm "not yet competent"....that i "cannot communicate effectively with patients"...that i "don't make any sense"...that i "wasnt listening to the patient"...i was so excited to be a pharmacist in approximately 8 more weeks...but who even knows if that's gonna happen now?

it's not really just the exam...it's also the fact that, whenever i feel like this, i dun feel like i can turn to anyone...i'm more like pushing them away...then i find that there's talk behind me...how great it is to have everything in one day...to find out dat i failed...to find out that ppl're talking behind my back...to find out that the one person whom i tot was a good fren...maybe isnt such a good one after all...

i feel so tensed and stressed in the past month or two...i feel like i just need to get away from everything...everyone...i'm not even happy at work anymore...everywhere i go, it's just all a pretense...

that's enuff for today...who knows when i'll be back...

i've been so emo and depressed this year...and i was quite sure i got past that....but now, more than ever, i'm disappointed with myself...i hate what i've turned out to be....i seriously DO NOT like myself....

i've alwiz hated the fact that i'm not a people person....i don't know y...i'm just not....i do try....but i just cant be all nice and frenly to ppl i dont know...and the worst part is that lately, i dun even feel close to anyone...not even my close frens....i feel fake...even though it's not my intention...it's just how i feel....

i hate the fact that i've done nothing to be proud of in the last four years (let's not talk about the years before that...)....ther's nothing non-academic that i've done, that i can be proud of, that i can put down on paper....yeah yeah, i've gotten good results and all that....but i just feel so lifeless....so useless...so hopeless....i really do....i feel like i've wasted a lot of my life....too focused on studying...i mean i DO do other things....just nothing tht can be classified "non-academic achievements"...

i've alwiz been okay with my body...apart from the short legs....but overall, i've learnt to live with it....and now, i wish i was fleshier and curvier....i hate being flat all over and too skinny for most clothes...

i just hate alot of things about myself right now...

the only thing i dont hate is dat i have someone who loves me dearly....but even THAT's making me sad these days...the distance is killing me =(

i think i need to let everything out once and for all and leave it behind...

in january, i went to port augusta. i had a great first two weeks. and then it got boring. and i was lonely as hell. and i was worried about finding a place in adelaide. i worried about how much it was gonna cost. i guess, all in all, jan wasnt THAT bad. in one word, jan was LONELY.

in feb, i got back to adelaide and i spent my second chinese new year away from home. it wasnt bad. it just felt like any other day. oh, and we found a nice lil place to stay, though it was a lil overpriced. i lost my job at the yiros place. and then i didnt get the project i wanted. in fact, i did not get ANY project at all. so i had to go get myself one. but it ended up sort of what i want, which is a project based in a hospital. and then semester started. thought it was gonna be a breeze. then when i filled up my planner and saw that there was an assessment in every week of march and first half of april, it hit me.

march started with a first aid course over a whole weekend. which seriously stressed me out cos there was a test later that week. i stayed home and studied while i watched other ppl go out and have fun. i stayed home and TRIED to study without anything going in. i stayed home and studied till i started crying alone. and i FAILED the test. BADLY. i nearly failed another test. and at the same time, i still had to keep going to the hospital and work on my proposal. it was stressful and scary. after getting my results for the first two tests, i was broken. there was no fighting spirit left in me. i was utterly BROKEN. i've never ever felt like that in my life. and i never wanna feel like that ever again. some people said that the stress was written all over my face. there were more tests coming my way and i had to keep going. and i did, half-heartedly. the next bombshell: i was not to go back to msia for my placement. and i was looking forward to dat since DECEMBER. the disappointment was HUGE. i NEEDED this trip back home. after all that stress, and all that emotions, i just need a break from adelaide. and so i cried in class. how embarrassing. i coudlnt help it. i didnt know wat or who to blame or everything going the wrong way. then, after speaking to my lecturer, i was posted to a hospital in adelaide instead of a community pharmacy as initially planned. which is wat i wanted too. was it a blessing in disguise? i dont know. so THAT went well.

in april, since my supervisor mentioned that i only need to be at the hospital for 5 weeks, i planned a trip home. and it worked out really well cos EVERYONE was going home at that time. which is good. i could meet up with everyone. all i could think about was the trip home. then another bombshell: supervisor gave me an ultimatum - commit to the timeframe of the project or not - just cos i asked if it was ok to go home mid july. it upset me so much. more tears came running down. after speaking to her, i find that i can only go back in aug. so fine. aug it is. exams came and went. it wasnt great but i hope i can pass. and finally my year is figured out. i'm trying to find to old me, trying to handle things better, trying to be less emotional. and i realise that i'm not there yet.

i really dont know if all these trials are blessings in disguise. but seriously, i cant take it anymore. and i guess everyone around me is really sick and tired of me whining. and i'm tired too. i'm tired of everything.

i hope may turns out to be better. together with june, july, aug (ESPECIALLY), sept, oct, nov and dec.

so far in 2008, everything's been so overwhelming, so emotional, so stressful, so tense, so packed, so uncertain - just so much to take in at one time. and i start to wonder, who have i become?

the pei wey i used to know was steady, in control, matured, independent, cool, calm and collected

the pei wey i am now is emotional, fragile, needy, easily stressed out, emotional, emotional, EMOTIONAL

seems to me like i'm aging the wrong way...

it's time to dig deep and bring out the old pei wey. she's a much better person. i've no idea when she got buried. but i hope it isnt too much trouble to dig her out.

i'm currently buried under a mountain of work load

i'm on a raft

floating on a river

i look around

everyone has their own raft

the river is wide

the current is strong

we have our paddles

we could paddle furiously

just to be close to our loved ones

but as time passes

we grow tired

and weary

and so we drift

closer to some

further from others

but the physical distance does not

reflect the distance between our hearts

is it because

we think that

the physical closeness

translates into

an unbreakable bond?

is it because

we think that

we need to make up for

the vast distance

by keeping in touch

as often as we can?

whatever it is,

physical closeness

and the togetherness of the hearts

are entirely separate

religion...to me, it's an individual thing...not something that can be forced, not something that i can pretend about, not something that i can make a conscious decision about....i mean, i cant just think "okay, now i'm gonna believe in so and so" and *snap* i'm a believer...no, to me, it doesnt work that way...

when i was younger, i desperately wanted sth to hold on to...i mean, yeah, i go to temples few times in a year and light joss sticks and things like that....but i had no idea wat everything...i still dont....christianity was sth that was in a language that i understood.....there was the bible that i could read....it was sth that i tot i could have to hold on to when i need guidance....it was a religion that i knew was a good guide...and i thought to myself, i want to be a christian....

but as i grew, i realised that religion is something that you believe in....with all ur heart and soul....and i just could not trully believe in christianity....i have christian friends...i've been to churches....i've tried reading the bible....i dont admit to know everything about christianity.....but i know that i cant even believe the very basis of christianity that is God sacrificed his one and only son to save me, a sinner....and to me, i dun feel like i can believe just by going to church....i guess i have to experience sth to believe....sth to touch me....but i dont know wat.....

when i came to adelaide, one of my friends encouraged me to go to church to make friends...cos that's wat she did....she's not christian as well....and i tried....but i just felt weird and awkward and out of place at church....i mean, it's just weird to be amongst ppl truly believes, who means every word of worship and not feel wat they feel...i feel like a fraud when i'm in a church....and i decided that i cant go to church just to make friends....ppl gather there are associated by religion....and to me, that would be the basis of the friendships that're made there....

and another fren has this bunch of frens from her fellowship....and i tried to go with her to their gatherings and things...but i must admit that i feel out of place there....well, mainly cos i didnt know how to behave, wat to say, wat to do around them....i didnt know how to carry myself among them....i could not be myself....but i tried again today...i actually had quite a good time except for the following...

i met someone today for the first time, and at the end of our encounter, we had the following conversation:

she: would u like to go to church tmr?

me: nahhh

she: why?

me: ...

she: have u been to a church?

me: yeah

she: which ones?

me: church A and church B

she: have u been to church C?

me: no

she: u should come and see

me: okay i will...one day i will...

she: one day...haha...one day...maybe u can come when there's an event or sth...

me: yeah okay...

she: so u're a non christian?

me: yeah

she: yeah, usually non christians come when we have events and things

me: yeah, that's wat i do...

up till here, i was fine...and i was REALLY planning to visit that church one day...seriously....i totally understand when ppl find that they wanna spread sth that they believe is good....and i guess i'm kinda used to this sorta conversations....but the following was wat i coud not accept...

she: u got no time for God izzit?

me: uhh....*shocked* no...it's not that i dont have time....it's just not sth i believe in....

she: have u given it a thought...have u given it a chance before u made ur conclusion?

me: uhh....it's not really a conclusion *thinking hello?! i'm not dead yet....i can still believe in anything i want till as long as i'm alive*

she: anyway, it's good that u're staying with so and so and so and so....hopefully it'll rub off on u....

me: okay..* thinking am i not good enuff as i am?*

at the end of this conversation, i felt like i was from a different species from her....i felt like SHE feels like i'm from a diff world altogether....i felt like i was being judged...she didnt know SHIT bout me....and she said things like that...but i guess the stupidest thing that happened is that i was very affected by what she said....

anywayz, after that, i dun think i wanna go to that church anymore....i dun think i wanna see her ever again....and i think i'll be able to give a better response the next time someone talks to me about this....